dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
