i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
