JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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