we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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