so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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