Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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