The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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