my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
