Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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