He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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