I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
