I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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