So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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