one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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