I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
