my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
