i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This baby is an asshole
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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