BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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