There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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