I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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