sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
