He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
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on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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