I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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