what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
