actually, I'm a sock model
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
