You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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