You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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