i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
