I accidentally had phone sex last night
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
