I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
