I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I won the penis lottery.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
