we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
