I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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