It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
