I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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