just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
