I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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