Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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