false alarm. still invincible.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
