I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
