oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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