Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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