Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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