Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
