When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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