You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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