so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
