Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hippo gnu deer
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
