Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I want her autograph on my taint
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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