it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i now understand why vodka
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
