who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
