Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
