We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
