WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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